I Tried Vegan Condoms – Here's What Happened
“Hey you, I am writing an article on vegan condoms, wanna try them with me?” Sure, I could have just used this as an awkward pick-up line in a bar. Instead, I decided to text my ex. Before I dive into my sexual encounters with vegan condoms, you might be wondering wtf vegan condoms are. If you think these are solely for vegans, think again: unlike conventional latex condoms, they don’t use the milk protein casein* or harmful chemicals for your body and the environment.
While many of us become increasingly aware of what we eat or what cosmetics we use, “no one is thinking about the ingredients that go in the products they put in the most intimate parts of our body,” said co-founder of Sustain Natural, Meika Hollender, in the New York Times last year. After reading this, I dug deeper and discovered that most popular condom brands use chemicals that cause yeast infections, skin irritations, and breast cancer. Wow. Maybe that’s why some of us are allergic to lube.
Vegan condoms, on the other hand, mostly use natural silicone oil as lubricants and make their flavored condoms with organic fruit or vegetable extracts. Personally, I couldn’t wait to try them so I immediately typed “where to buy vegan condoms” into Google search. The three brands Glyde, ESP, and Einhorn popped up on my screen. My chosen test subject: the very familiar, if non-vegan, ex-boyfriend.
And so we begin.
In a bar in Vienna, my X and I were catching up on the past few months, that we hadn’t seen each other, with the intention of having sex for a “greater purpose”. Three drinks and a tipsy walk back to his place, I got undressed. We started with the first ever vegan condom, Glyde Ultra. X took the standard size condom out of its package and I instantly noticed the subtle vanilla smell. Mmmm.
Eleven minutes and a few sex positions later, the condom started to become dry so we ended up using another one. He also complained about the condom feeling a bit tight. We both came after all (when it was about to become dry again…) but in hopes of giving you a better review, we gave it a second try in the morning. Horny AND sober, it turned out better this time: even though the condom still felt tight on him, it didn’t get dry. Some more lube on them wouldn’t hurt though – organic coconut oil from the grocery store should do the job. In the future, I would choose their Glyde Red Ribbon® Condom which donates a portion of the proceeds to sexual health initiatives.
ESP Air Thin Supreme Feel is vegan-friendly and “probably the world’s thinnest latex condom”. You can only imagine how excited we were to finally test them. On the late night bus home, I fell asleep on X’s shoulder which normally NEVER happens to me (chronic insomnia). But after three nights out in a row, I resembled a tired whale trying to float back to the seabed. “We are so not having sex tonight”, I told myself. Until X started to stroke my butt. When he was inside of me, I tried to figure out how the 0,04 mm thin condom felt different in any way. Yes, it was good but was it groundbreaking? Honestly speaking, I couldn’t tell, neither could he. Maybe there was too much expectation, fatigue and alcohol involved.
So I wanted to give it another shot. As I flew back to Paris the same day, I had to test them with the biggest meat and cheese lover there is – a Frenchman. I will spare you the details on this one but, in short, we first met in a women’s toilet, fell in love, and were dating until he broke it off via text message 2 weeks later. This evolved into us now being kind of friends with benefits and we met for drinks. He laughed when I told him about vegan condoms. Not for long though: all it took was my charm, some beers, and two joints to totally change his mind. Because while we were having sex until sunrise, he couldn’t help but say with his French accent “Your vegan shit really is f***ing amazing”. In the morning, when I was standing by the door, about to leave, he came out of the kitchen, kissed me and said: “that was cool”.
For those that don’t speak German: Einhorn Foodporn means unicorn in English. True to its name, this vegan condom is fantastic: not only does the company obtain their fairly traded, organic natural rubber latex from sustainably grown forests, it also spends 50% of their profits on sex education as well as “fairstainability” projects. My X and I tried them twice in a row. The sex lasted for about 30 minutes each time (foreplay excluded), and the perfectly lubricated condoms neither got dry nor uncomfortable. Their bell-shape provides more space around the glans, which makes you feel more than with usual, cylindrical-shaped condoms. This one is my favorite of the three.
And which one did my X like best? “The ones with the lemons are nice,” he said, referring to Einhorn Foodporn. The supposed “lemons” are in fact a fortune cookie print that has a personal message on each condom wrapper. I was sure he had one of them still lying around somewhere in his bedroom. I was curious: “What does the fortune cookie on our condom say?” - “OMG, you are a God”. I didn't believe him. He laughed and revealed that it actually said: “You are my goddess”. This is why I love Einhorn, their condoms aren’t just good but they’re fun and pretty too.
Meanwhile, I tried vegan condoms with some other lucky men – and without exception – they all loved them. So what do you think, are you down to try them too? Surprise your sex partner and turn them into a temporary vegan because a) they will certainly never going to forget this experience and b) you collect some karma points. – You’re welcome.